


System of Lonely Ladybugs

by SpoopyJim



Series: Lonely Ladybugs Universe [2]
Category: BLURRYFACE - Twenty One Pilots (Album), Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Abuse, Age Regression/De-Aging, Crossdressing, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emetophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Multiplicity/Plurality, Nonbinary Character, Pre-Trench Era, Quiet Is Violent Tour, Rape/Non-con Elements, References to Drugs, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, VERY HEAVY DESCRIPTIONS OF VOMITING, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:48:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23736379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpoopyJim/pseuds/SpoopyJim
Summary: Spooky Jim has had trouble being a system mate for a long, long time.Now, however, his trouble is trying to save Josh from an abusive situation without outing themselves as a system to Tyler.Except now he's even more traumatized than he used to be, so there's that.Also, he's so front locked he can't even talk to his system mates.This... definitely is not easy. No matter what Spooky might try saying.{rewrite of my old fic bruises}
Relationships: Spooky Jim/Tyler Joseph
Series: Lonely Ladybugs Universe [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1715203
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	1. Figuring Out

**Author's Note:**

> There's been lots of changes, including Spooky's driving forces. Now he's trying to help everyone with multiple requests swimming in his head that he has to work to listen to.
> 
> There's also more changes, including Tyler is definitely a system (you'll see), and-
> 
> Well, you'll see. Hopefully you guys like it.

It was sunny. Harmfully so, actually; Spooky’s eyes immediately squeezed shut as soon as the sun targeted them. He rubbed them harshly, exhaling. “Mm…”

Spooky Jim sat up off the bed, looking around himself. He’d woken up with the body.

Time to get ready.

Spooky Jim was an embodiment of anxiety, another person sharing the body they had been saddled with. That meant eating breakfast and taking a shower.

He shared the body with a few other people; Josh Dun, of course.

The core, right? 

Josh seemed to have whatever hair color he wanted in the system, at whatever second.

Spooky started to cook breakfast first, not really caring about the shower just yet.

Lane Boy took control a lot. He was the most like Josh; easy to pretend, unlike Spooky.

But it was Spooky who got front sticky more often than Lane, sadly.

Lane Boy also had blue hair, unlike Spooky’s red.

Spooky sat down, starting to eat the eggs and toast he’d made.

The Judge. The Judge was adorable, and soft, and their tuft of pink on top of their head matched. 

And they were vulnerable. It was painful to see them front when they had… 

Spooky swallowed, standing to get something to drink. “Fuck…”

Right, their boyfriend Aston. 

Spooky shook his head. He refused to think of that prick when he just woke up.

Who else?

Oh, Misty.

Spooky wasn’t great friends with Misty. Especially right now.

Whatever Misty’s reasons were, didn’t matter. Spooky hated them for thinking they should stay with Aston. And for what?

To keep some secrets safe?

Or did they think everyone deserved his bullshit?

Or maybe they really were a dumb blonde.

Spooky groaned and finished up breakfast, cleaning up after himself before heading up to take a shower.

And then there was…

Spooky got distracted by a couple dark bruises on their hip.

“... I want to kill him…”

“You can’t…”

Spooky could hear the Judge now, and he sighed. He sent a good morning thought to the other, before starting to shower.

While he moved on autopilot in the shower, he focused more on the mindscape, looking out from the open control room.

The Judge had obviously taken a bit before they were actually up, rubbing their eyes. “Good morning, Spooky.”

Spooky gave a soft, flat noise. “Hey, morning Judge. Who’s taking control after me?”

“Probably Josh. Did you have a name to add to the system name pool yet?”

Spooky frowned. They had been thinking of making a system name and being out about being a system on the internet, where they could pretend they weren’t starting to get pretty fucking famous.

“Not yet.” Spooky finally said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I still don’t think it’s even a good idea.” Misty’s voice came up from their room, before the blonde had walked out to the middle room.

“Also, Spooky, pay attention to the shower.”

Spooky’s eyes snapped open, quickly finishing up washing their body before getting out and dressed.

When Spooky was done getting all ready, he got up from the seat inside the control room. “We should really figure out some better system architecture. I would love to move around the mindscape when I’m in control.”

Misty waved their hand. “Our therapist thought this was a good idea.”

“Our  _ old therapist  _ wanted Josh to lock us out of control, actually. It’s all a metaphor though, for how closed off we act between each other or something.” Spooky shrugged.

Misty blinked a few times, as Josh left his own room to go to the control room.

“Are you talking about changing headspace again…?” Josh asked. “I still don’t really understand how without someone guiding it.”

Spooky chewed his thumb. “I could try rearranging things while you’re busy.”

Josh thought for a moment. “Alright, whatever you think is healthier. Can you do the control room last?”

Spooky nodded, smiling at Josh. “Yeah. I’ll do it last.”

When Josh smiled back, Spooky’s… heart? Leapt up to his throat. He definitely felt nervous about it. He liked when Josh smiled, when Josh was happy.

Spooky set to work on trying to redecorate, as the day started winding down.

It was taking a lot of energy to try fixing the mindscape, and Spooky was getting exhausted. He  _ did  _ end up fixing a lot though. The rooms were bigger, the mindscape felt more open, and Spooky was even trying to make ‘front’ into an item they could hold instead of a room. 

At some point, he’d taken a nap, however.

When he woke up, the Judge was… very upset.

“Huh- Judge? What’s wrong?”

“A-Aston- hhh… I just wanted to h-help Josh, and… They were fighting and…”

Spooky quickly sat up and let the Judge curl up in his lap.

Spooky felt anger slam into his chest, but didn’t act just yet. 

The Judge gripped onto Spooky tightly, giving trembling breaths. “Please… I… Spooky, please make him stop…”

Spooky nodded quickly. 

He knew the Judge had a limit, and a lot of stuff was off the table, but he also knew the Judge wanted them safe just as much as Spooky did.

“Okay… Self defense, I can beat him up?”

The Judge looked up at Spooky with wide eyes. “N-No-!”

Spooky sighed. “Yeah… And murder isn’t allowed… God, what can I do… You guys are my-” He hesitated. “Family, I can’t just let that dick do whatever the fuck he wants.”

The Judge flinched, burying their face into Spooky’s chest.

Spooky took a deep breath, nodding. “Okay.”

Spooky had said very similar things before, in even more colorful ways, but this was the first time he truly had someone on his side. And Josh wouldn’t agree to breaking up…

Stupid fear, stupid Misty convincing him, and stupid Tyler for not asking-

Tyler.

Spooky squeezed the Judge, before moving to stand. He held the Judge in his arms, nodding at them.

The Judge cocked their head. “Do you have an idea?”

“I can tell Tyler!”

Fear flashed on the Judge’s face, but it was Misty who appeared to cut Spooky off.

“Excuse me? You can’t make a decision like that on your own.”

The Judge exhaled, glancing at Misty. “What if Aston gets mad, or hurts Tyler…”

“Ugh you guys, Tyler is the  _ only  _ one who could convince Josh. What other choice do we have?!”

Misty gave a growl. “So you want Aston to out us, right?”

Spooky growled right back- there was no way he was backing down to Misty.

“Why do we have to keep hiding? Gay, has a system, what other secrets are we hiding from everyone? What could he  _ actually  _ out us on? I don’t see a problem with either of those!”

The Judge tugged Spooky’s arm so the other would put him down onto the couch. “You’d think being some sort of personification of anxiety would help you see the problem…”

Spooky crossed his arms. “I’m scared of people knowing, yeah, but at this point I’m more scared we’re gonna fucking  _ die _ ! You wanted me to help! You asked me to figure something out!”

The Judge looked offended, before standing up. “I’m going to my room.”

Misty shook their head. “You need better anger management, Spooky.”

Spooky watched as both the Judge and Misty left to their rooms, before moving to sulk on the couch.

He didn’t flinch when Lane Boy sat down next to him, sighing.

“Hey LB…”

Lane frowned. “If it makes you feel any better, I agree telling Tyler is a good idea.”

Spooky’s eyes widened a bit. “You do..?”

Lane leaned back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. “... We both know that there’s not really any other way we’re getting out of this. Josh is good to us, but a few bad therapists and our parents turned into Josh having full control of our life, instead of having a democracy. We don’t have the time to fix that. So the best bet is to convince Josh. And who else would convince him?”

Spooky blinked a few times at Lane. Out of everyone, he really hadn’t expected Lane to be on his side.

Actually, he hadn’t expected anyone to be on his side, but now he had two people behind him- or… well, sort of. The Judge really didn’t like this plan, but they  _ did  _ ask for help, so….

Both Spooky and Lane snapped to look at the door when primal fear rippled through the system.

Spooky stared for a long moment. He remembered warning Aston once, but he never had been able to defend themselves. Then he’d be in trouble with the others, and the law if it was just random. It needed to be in self defence. Truly in self defence.

Josh was  _ afraid _ , and Spooky could tell.

So…

Lane gave a noise when Spooky jumped to his feet and quickly ran to the door to the control room.

“You’re going to take control now? I…” Lane seemed nervous suddenly, but Spooky was already kicking the locked door.

Spooky could get in, take control from Josh, fuck Aston up, and then get Tyler to save them. It would be… easy.

It wasn’t opening, and he didn’t even know if there really was a key. It had to have been a metaphor. Maybe Josh was front locked and there was no way to take control until this was over?

To hell with that.

Disregarding the fact that it may hurt Spooky, or even Josh at this point, to break open the door, he set to work.

He raised his leg and smashed his foot into the door, whimpering softly when he felt pain spike in his leg.

“Spooky, I want to save us too, but what if this has… bad repercussions. What if it hurts Josh, or you?”

Spooky knew Lane Boy was right on this probably being a bad idea, but the fear was getting bigger, and Spooky needed control,  _ now _ .

“Lane Boy, please. I can’t keep sitting on the side and seeing us get hurt!”

Lane Boy hesitated, before nodding. “Look… just try not to let Tyler know about us, okay?” He said, before moving to help Spooky kick the door down.

Spooky could hear the door splintering, and he knew this was going to work.

Lane Boy finally moved to the side. “Spooky, ram it.”

Spooky stepped back about ten steps, nodding. He took a moment to brace himself, before running at the door.

“Spooky?”

Spooky only had time to look at the Judge for a moment before he crashed into the door, causing it to shatter into fragments. 

The floor shattered right along with it.

Spooky screamed as he fell into the hole, hearing Lane Boy yell out a “Good luck!” before he was being… held against someone?

“Fuck, Josh…”

Spooky was disoriented, head aching and dizzy. He didn’t know what was going on. A screech suddenly escaped him when he felt pain, something inside him, and then a hand clamped over his mouth.

Spooky was being violated.

His stomach felt tight, his chest was aching, and the hand on his mouth was making it so hard to breathe. At least he’d gotten control in time for Josh to not feel it…

He thrashed, before raising his hand to try slapping at Aston, as hard as he could from that angle. He needed to get the other off, to protect their body…

Spooky felt his whole body get rocked by Aston slamming into him, eyes wide as he stared up at the disgusting fucker staring down at him, abusing him.

“You’re not Josh, are you?”

Spooky growled, glaring with as much hatred as he could muster at a time like this. If looks could kill, Aston would be dead a hundred times over.

“Heh. Jim?”

Spooky struggled more, but completely froze when Aston slammed into him again, as if to warn him.

“F-Fuck-”

“Yeah, you are Jim, aren’t you? You’re the only one that curses. It’s been a while. I thought you were going to fuck me up next time, huh? I don’t see you doing that. In fact, it looks like I’m the one fucking you.”

Spooky swallowed, breathing shakily as Aston’s hands wrapped around his throat and squeezed.

Spooky couldn’t get the other off.

Disgust continued growing in his body- Josh’s body- Josh’s strangely silent body.

Spooky was pretty sure it was silent because even they didn’t want to be anywhere close to what Aston was doing.

Spooky was going to pass out.

His vision was darkening, and he couldn’t breathe. 

He quickly slapped Aston’s hands over and over until they relaxed on his throat, taking a large breath before a hand smacked him so hard he saw stars.

Jim wanted to go home.

That wasn’t a familiar feeling, it was bitter and felt disgusting in his chest- He wanted to go  _ home _ ? Did he mean back to where they grew up? 

“Shhh, Jim, you are home.”

Spooky was saying this out loud?

It felt wrong and gross, hearing his name in Aston’s horrible voice, but he couldn’t do anything about it.

He cried, he cried for Tyler, he cried for their mom, he cried and thrashed as much as he could for how weak he was getting. He cried for Lane Boy, for Josh, for the Judge, even for Misty. He just wanted to be anywhere but here.

It felt like hours had passed before Aston was finally done, and Spooky couldn’t fucking move. He felt pain everywhere, from every hit Aston landed on his body; to keep him awake, to keep him from scratching Aston’s eyes out, or even just for fun.

Spooky wanted to scratch Aston’s eyes out, right that second.

He couldn’t move well and was too close to the bastard though, too close to pain and suffering.

“Get out of Josh’s house, get out of his life, get out of our lives, leave us alone already…” Spooky struggled, giving little gasps as he tried to sit up.

“Why do you think you get that choice?”

Spooky blinked blearily up at Aston. “What?”

“You aren’t a real person, Jim. You don’t have the right to make these choices for Josh. None of you do. This isn’t your house, this isn’t your life, and it sure as hell isn’t your body. You own nothing, and you’ll never be like us.”

Spooky’s eyes were wide and glued to Aston. He’d never even had that thought before, never once thought of himself as any less real than Josh, or Tyler, or even Aston.

Spooky was  _ real _ , he was living and breathing and in pain. He thought, therefore he was.

Spooky…

Spooky’s name was Spooky Jim, for Christ’s sake.

He swallowed, before forcing himself to try and sit up.

“I am real…”

“Fine, you’re at least subhuman.”

A flinch rocketed through Spooky’s body. He wanted out of control as soon as Aston was gone, and he wanted to never hear his name ever again.

“I’m allowed to do anything I want to you. You don’t have any ability to choose.”

“Get away from me already.”

Aston sighed and moved to pet Spooky’s head, causing the man to flinch and start crying again.

Spooky tried so hard to struggle away as he was pulled into the other’s disgusting arms, but he was so… tired….

He tried to stay awake, terrified of being so vulnerable, or of someone else waking up in this man’s arms and being violated and hurt just like Spooky.

But he couldn’t fight it anymore, finally succumbing to the darkness that had been tugging at him.

But he didn’t step out of the room, to scolding and being sent to bed. 

Spooky woke up somewhere unfamiliar, in a bed he’d seen… once? Maybe.. He was alone, and naked. But it was warm under the covers, so he ignored it and snuggled underneath them.

He felt hands on his thighs.

Spooky ripped away the covers quickly, eyes widening in fear when he saw something coming up from a rip in the mattress, gooey black hands forcing his legs to spread as it pushed itself up out of the rip.

It was Aston, but… it wasn’t.

Whatever this was sounded like Aston, but the thing was dripping inky black onto Spooky, and he knew it would  _ never  _ wash off.

He jolted a bit when someone was knocking at the door.

“Please-” Spooky tried to yell at the door.

“Shh, you can’t open the door. You aren’t allowed. You aren’t real, you don’t get a choice.”

Aston’s voice was echoing everywhere around Spooky, dripping hands reaching for parts of Spooky that he never wanted touched again.

Spooky screamed and jolted awake when the goopy Aston grabbed onto his… 

Spooky could barely breathe, trembling violently and covered in sweat. He was alone… naked… and someone was knocking on the door.

Spooky quickly threw himself out of the bed, terrified something would come up from the mattress, and started getting dressed.

“C-Coming-!”

Where was Aston? Did he leave last night?

And god, why was Spooky still in control. He was just in control yesterday morning, and he should have been back in the system and resting. 

He felt so much pain, but at the very least he was too disoriented to notice where it was. He felt more like his entire body, inside and out, was a bruise.

Spooky rushed to the door and opened it, blinking a few times when he saw Tyler at the door.

Tyler was holding breakfast in his hands, and… well, he  _ had  _ been smiling. 

Spooky’s stomach churned when the smile disappeared, and worry instead took place.

“Josh-? Why are you so pale and sweaty-?” Tyler asked, before he cut himself off and went pale himself. “Why are you covered in bruises-??”

Oh, of course. Spooky wasn’t used to hiding bruises, Spooky wasn’t used to being abused and having to hide it. 

Spooky felt  _ naked  _ when Tyler mentioned the bruises, and felt  _ fake  _ when Tyler said Josh.

Spooky pieced through conflicting thoughts in his head.

Lane wanted Spooky to tell Tyler, but didn’t want Tyler knowing about the system. Fair.

The Judge wanted help, but didn’t want to put Tyler or their secrets in danger. Fair.

Josh didn’t want to tell anyone, especially Tyler. Fair.

Spooky didn’t want Tyler to know he was so weak that he couldn’t protect them, and got them hurt.

But was Aston right? That he couldn’t make decisions like this? Was it really a dictatorship, and everyone else was just an accessory?

“I- I got in a fight last night.” Not a  _ lie _ …

Spooky couldn’t think, or make a decision, not yet. He could barely speak.

Tyler didn’t even know Josh was dating someone, so if Spooky wanted to try and do this correctly, he would have to figure out something more obvious without just outright telling Tyler. This was going to be hard.

“... Sit down, okay? You really should be resting. Should I call the police? Cancel rehearsals today?”

Yes, and oh God, yes.

“No, I’ll be f-fine…”

There’s no way Josh would let Tyler call the police, or cancel rehearsals, no matter how much Spooky wanted to. Not only that, but the Judge already said no police.

Spooky felt like he didn’t deserve to make decisions he knew Josh would be very against, anyways. Aston wasn’t the only one who thought that way.

Their parents-

Spooky shook his head. “When are we going?”

Tyler looked very worried still, but he sighed. “... After breakfast, eat up.”

Spooky moved to carefully eat the food and drink the drink Tyler had brought him. After finishing up a very good breakfast actually, he stood. “Let me get dressed in something better.”

Tyler nodded, watching Spooky leave back to Josh’s bedroom.

Spooky shut the door behind him, before flinching when he saw himself in the mirror.

Bruised, pale, and not totally… right. No, there was something wrong with his… his hair.

It was all wrong, he wasn’t the Judge. His hair was pink, so pink, too pink-

He rushed to the bathroom attached to the bedroom, before vomiting into the toilet. Tears welled up and spilled down his cheeks, as he finally noticed pain between his legs.

What was going on?

Josh’s body was dirty.

Spooky wasn’t dirty, Spooky just let Josh’s body be dirty.

Josh’s pink haired body.

Spooky didn’t have a body, he just borrowed from Josh, and now he got it  _ dirty _ .

Spooky sobbed into the toilet as he finally stopped heaving up breakfast, flinching when he heard a knock.

“H-Huh?!”

“Josh…? Are you alright? I thought I heard you throwing up…”

Spooky cleared his throat, cleaning his face quietly as he answered. “I’m fine… I’ll be out in a minute, okay?”

Tyler seemed unsure. “... Alright. Tell me if you need anything, okay? And if you need to cancel…”

“Don’t worry, Ty…”

But Spooky did need something, he needed help. And god, he wanted to cancel rehearsals.

After Spooky was sure Tyler had left, he moved to get dressed in clothes that would hide everything.

He moved to grab his- Josh’s wallet, before searching for the keys.

Spooky finally found a note left on the side table, frowning as he read it.

_ Jim, if you’re reading this, I took the keys. _ _  
_ _ Since this isn’t your house, there’s no reason for you to need them. Go out the back if you need to leave, and call me if you need to get inside again. _

Spooky threw his head back, rubbing his face roughly. This had to be a joke. Of course Aston would do this. He was about to crumple the paper in anger, before he noticed words on the back.

“PS… If Josh is in control, you know where the spare is…”

Great! Spooky was being punished for just being alive!

He stared at the paper, before finally throwing it into the trash. 

Spooky hobbled out of the bedroom, wondering how he was going to do this. How was he going to explain to Tyler how he would get back inside?

“Hey Ty, I can’t find my keys.” Spooky said slowly.

“Is the spare still in your box of tour memories?” Tyler asked, looking up at Spooky from the couch. He’d turned on the tv, and was watching something while waiting for Spooky.

Spooky refrained from picking Tyler up and swinging him around happily for being a fucking life saver.

“Yeah, but I should probably get another made if I can’t find the old ones.” Spooky quickly answered, before rushing to get out the box and pull the spare keys out.

Spooky groaned, feeling heart wrenching throbbing between his legs. The pain wouldn’t leave, and now that he could pinpoint that specific pain, it was all his mind could think of.

“I’ll take you after rehearsals, if you want!”

“Th-That’d be great!”

Spooky tried to calm his breathing, more nausea spiking up as he remembered last night.

Aston hadn’t tore anything, or really hurt him like that, but it still hurt and he hated it. It made him sick, so sick.

Spooky finally stifled the vomit, slowly going back to where he left Tyler.

Tyler looked up at him, chewing on his lip. “Are you really sure you want to go?”

Spooky nodded a bit. “Yeah. Ready when you are.”

Tyler sighed. He seemed reluctant, but thankfully wasn’t fighting Spooky on this. 

Tyler stepped out of the house, waiting for Spooky to come with.

For  _ Josh _ to come with.

Spooky went out along with Tyler, locking the door behind them.

Okay. Spooky could be Josh until Josh was back, and he could get Tyler to know what was wrong. He knew it.

This would be easy.

Maybe Josh would be happy after all this was over, and would let Spooky dye their hair his red.

That would be nice.


	2. Many Rehearsals In One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhh hi

Spooky’s stomach clenched and twisted whenever he felt the throbbing between his legs, breath being stolen over and over. He was figuring out that it wasn’t really easy pretending to be Josh, especially when his body felt like it was burning and melting, and his insides were tearing at him to be free.

Spooky stifled vomit again.

His body decided it wouldn’t listen to him trying to pretend either, contorting and flinching away whenever so much as a fingertip touched against what surely was a bruise underneath the layers and clothing he’d put on to keep his skin away from prying eyes, from gnashing teeth that was sure to eat his entirety and leave pecked clean bones in their wake.

**_You let Josh get hurt._ **

**_You let his body get violated, abused, when you’re supposed to protect him._ **

**_No wonder he doesn’t want to let you have any choices._ **

**_Aston was right._ **

**_Aston was right._ **

Spooky shook the thoughts away, giving a little gasp and quickly getting into position at the drums, knuckles white as he clenched the wood in his hands.

Tyler gave him a heavy, worried glance, but Spooky tried to deflect with a smile. Tyler didn’t seem convinced, but he didn’t stop rehearsals, so Spooky called it a win.

Even if his thoughts were empty of this pain, and his body was completely clean and unbruised, Spooky didn’t think pretending to be Josh would have been easy at all.

He’d never pretended this long; usually, just like the day before, he would have eaten breakfast, maybe let Tyler inside the house, given their teeth a good brush, then Josh would take over for the rest of the day.

Spooky knew how to play drums, mind you. He was good at them; they all were. They all had different styles though, and Spooky felt a bit sick and gross trying to  _ copy  _ Josh’s. But he had to. Uniqueness wasn’t an option. He guessed this was more than just rehearsals of their songs; he was rehearsing how to be Josh.

The “Quiet Is Violent World Tour” was supposed to be a big ticket to happiness, and Spooky was afraid he was messing it up. Not just for the band- and god, he would hate himself even more if he hurt the band at all- but with Aston away, Josh could break up with him and Tyler could help Josh.

Spooky could still get that to happen. Though it was Josh who deserved the comfort, not him. So now he had to make sure Josh was in control for when Tyler knew, and gave them horrified soft brown eyes, and hugged them tightly and said it was going to be okay.

Spooky wasn’t allowed that.

Tyler was already working on new songs for their next album; Blurryface, he had said. Josh had been helping. Spooky’s stomach rolled a little as he wondered if Tyler would ask  _ Spooky  _ for help- he’d expect his best friend Josh to remember what they had been working on.

Spooky knew nothing.

How was he supposed to help without drawing attention to the facts that he A) had not a single fucking clue what they had discussed, and B) was too anxious to even think about helping.

Tyler would talk to him after rehearsals, soft puppy eyes and perfect little grin on his lips, asking for Spooky’s help- and Spooky would have to decline while still sounding like Josh.

Well… Yikes.

“Josh!”

Spooky jolted finally, giving a loud “Huh?!” and dropping his drumsticks right onto the instrument in front of him. He flushed deeply, quickly picking them back up, as Tyler looked very worried about his best friend.

Spooky looked away a bit, ashamed about worrying Tyler. God, he really needed to learn to pay attention.

“You know…” Tyler started slowly, chewing his perfect plump bottom lip, and looking at Spooky with soft, concerned eyes. “If you aren’t up for rehearsal today, I completely understand, dude. We can go see a movie or something.”

Spooky was quick to shake his head, eyes squeezing shut as tears filled them briefly. Tyler was too perfect, worrying about something as nasty and pathetic as Spooky. No- he lied.

Tyler was worried about someone as perfect and good as Josh. 

Spooky’s chest ached when he imagined the disdain in Tyler’s eyes, finding out it wasn’t actually Josh sitting at his best friend’s drums and using his best friend’s body.

“No, no. I can play. What did you ask me?”

Tyler’s eyes averted, hesitating for a moment. His shoulders finally slumped, and Spooky’s heart panged a bit.

**_I’m hurting him, I’m ruining Tyler. Josh is going to hate me, and that’s not even the worst part._ **

“Uh… Guns for Hands.”

Spooky nodded, taking a deep breath. Okay, that was okay. He knew Guns For Hands like the back of  _ his  _ hands.

Josh’s hands.

Spooky shoved away another bout of nausea, taking a sip from his water bottle and nearly immediately regretting it.

Tyler was practicing, energy and perfection bouncing off of his body in waves and brushing over Spooky in an attempt to elevate Spooky to even a fraction of as good.

Spooky was… practicing too, messing up every now and then but relying heavily on muscle memory to get him through this. Tyler couldn’t know. Tyler wasn’t angry when he messed up. How nice of him to ignore how Spooky was ruining everything.

Spooky was very relieved when Tyler finally called it, muscles exhausted and bruises screaming for reprieve. His hands went slack, letting the drumsticks fall to the ground as he relaxed against the chair.

Tyler looked horrified.

“Josh-? Are you… okay? You never drop your sticks like that.” Tyler’s eyes showed primal worry.

Spooky’s eyes widened, and he moved to quickly scoop them up. Even if Tyler hadn’t noticed that was a very Non-Josh like thing to do, or that it was a very worrying action, Josh was attached to his drumsticks. He was coping with the trauma of Aston, and these were the items that were helping him, and Spooky just dropped them to the floor???

Spooky’s stomach squeezed, churning as something dark and painful clawed its way up from his stomach, searching for a way out, begging Spooky to just let it out.

Spooky was going to vomit.

“I-I’m fine, I’m just feeling- really bad, I need to…” He got up to his feet, trying to stumble over to the couch. “Sit- sit somewhere else-”

Tyler moved to help Spooky get to the couch, gently taking the drumsticks and putting them onto the table in front of them. 

Spooky was starting to calm the nausea, face buried in one of his hands as he calmed down.

Tyler hesitantly spoke up.

“Josh, uh… I think you need to- to go home and take a nap. Are you in pain? I can get you some Tylenol, okay?”

Spooky froze. Go home? But Aston could be there. Aston could be waiting for him, Aston knew Spooky had the body, Spooky would be hurt and touched again- Spooky would fail again, and this time he wouldn’t even have the half-assed excuse of being surprised when he first took control. Aston would destroy Josh’s body, and Spooky’s entire being, and it would all be Spooky’s fault-

The monster had won, clawing up Spooky’s throat and spewing out of him onto the floor- food, bile, and water splattering onto Spooky’s shoes, the previously clean floor, and even on some of Spooky’s pants. Spooky was now holding onto the couch arm tightly, shuddering and shaking.

Tyler jolted to attention, horrified concern on his face as he rubbed Spooky’s back and mumbled words Spooky couldn’t understand. More people were coming over, worried, speaking in a language Spooky’s straining ears just couldn’t decipher.

Spooky couldn’t stop trembling. He was making a scene.

“Okay, I got you Josh. I got you, don’t worry dude…”

When Spooky’s mind could finally pick out at least Tyler, he recoiled like he’d been burned.  _ Josh _ . And Tyler’s hands were touching him, touching disgusting and stained spots on his body, places that Tyler’s clean hands shouldn’t have been anywhere near.

“S-Stop touching me-” Spooky gasped, voice hushed and cracked from the acidic bile.

Immediately, the hands were off him, and Spooky was grateful. “I-I can’t-”

Tyler looked distraught, grabbing Spooky a water bottle and handing over the item to Spooky.

Spooky gratefully accepted, drinking the water carefully so he didn’t throw up again. His lips parted slightly, panting a little as he tried to calm his entire body down- no more trembling, no more vomit, no more panic.

“Do you need a doctor…?” Tyler had finally asked, voice quiet and full of concern. Tyler was worried about his best friend, and wanted to make sure Josh was okay.

Tyler was so confused.

Spooky took a deep breath, mouth opening a little more. “... Tyler, can I stay at your house until we leave?”

Spooky’s voice cracked, and he had avoided Tyler’s question completely, but Tyler was now distracted by Spooky’s own question.

“Stay at my house?” Tyler repeated.

Spooky nodded jerkily, lungs taking a moment to respond to him and causing his breathing to hitch. He didn’t know why he was asking, trying to get Tyler to just let him.

He did know.

Spooky wanted away from Aston, he wanted Tyler to get Josh away from Aston. He wanted to make Lane Boy proud, wanted to keep the Judge safe, and wanted Josh to be happy.

And he wanted to not be traumatized again.

If he went back to Aston, all trembles and fear and vomit, with Josh nowhere in sight, Spooky would be destroyed.

Spooky’s shaking hands were yanked to his chest, eyes shutting tightly as whatever Tyler had said completely bounced off of him. More traumatized? Was this him being traumatized?

How was he traumatized? He was ashamed- he had one run in with Aston and suddenly he was done for, a fragile mess that couldn’t protect anyone. He failed once, and it was over.

“Josh?!”

Spooky flinched, eyes snapping open widely. “H-Huh?” He asked, looking over at Tyler, mouth hanging open a bit.

Tyler looked  _ terrified _ , worry swirling inside his eyes. 

“Did you hear what I said?”

Spooky shook his head.

Tyler exhaled shakily and frowned deeply, eyes flicking away for a second. “I said you can stay at my house. We’ll head over to yours and grab anything you need, okay? We might as well grab your tour suitcases, since you’re staying with me until then.”

Spooky gave a soft whimper at the thought of going back to Josh’s house, but gave a nod. He tried hard not to flinch- it didn’t work- when Tyler helped him stand.

“Are… you going to be okay with a car ride?” Tyler asked, voice quiet. Spooky couldn’t tell if it was for some semblance of privacy for Spooky, surrounded by crew members- or if Tyler thought he was so very fragile, just a decibel higher would shatter the drummer in front of him. Or maybe it was Tyler that was fragile, voice unable to get any louder for fear of cracking and shattering completely.

Spooky hated burdening Tyler like this. He gave a small nod anyways. He hoped Aston wasn’t waiting for Spooky.

Spooky reached out to grasp at Tyler’s hand, causing the singer some surprise- but Tyler knew Spooky needed this, and just squeezed back a bit.

“L-Let’s go…” Spooky said quietly, relieved as Tyler started pulling the other out of the room and toward the parking lot. There was something comforting about being led by hand, close to the taller singer, almost like he was being protected. Tyler was  _ there _ .

Spooky’s thoughts didn’t give him any reprieve, however, turning viciously back into lions’ teeth and dripping maws.

**_Would he even keep you safe if he knew you weren’t Josh?_ **

Spooky’s eyes stayed glued to the floor, afraid of lifting them and bursting into tears. He needed to get it together already. Rehearsing his Josh act had gone absolutely horrendous.

Spooky crawled into the car, defeated as he pulled a knee up and buried his face into it. His entire body shuddered, eyes sliding shut as he waited- calming, listening to the sound of quiet radio.

Spooky was silent the whole time, entranced by the sound of mindless music that lulled him into a dissociative trance.

He blinked when he felt a gentle tap to his shoulder, looking up at Tyler.

“We’re here.” Tyler said, voice soft, and comforting. It made Spooky’s heart flutter, cheeks going just a little pink.Tyler was so nice… Tyler was sweet, and good to him.

Spooky nodded quickly, feeling a bit embarrassed as he quickly got out of the car to get the house door open.

Tyler followed behind, and Spooky was grateful when Tyler helped him pack up, even going so far as to grab his tour suitcases- Josh’s tour suitcases- to bring along.

Spooky pulled out Josh’s phone, pulling up Aston’s messages. Aston hadn’t texted the other at all that day, thankfully, but now Spooky had to message the asshole.

‘I’m gonna stay at Tyler’s house since I guess I don’t own Josh’s house, right? You stay the fuck away from me, because you don’t own me either. - SJ’

He quickly muted the phone, not wanting to go through seeing Aston reply. After shoving the phone into his pocket, he looked over at Tyler, who was going through Josh’s movies.

Tyler had asked if they could have a movie night, and Spooky had happily said yes. Movie night with Tyler sounded like what he needed.

“Hey, Tyler?”

Tyler looked up, head cocking.

Spooky tugged on pink hair, exhaling. “Can we get something to eat…?”

=========

Spooky’s stomach felt cold, even as he picked at his food to try and feel better. Whenever he focused on the pain radiating within his body, nausea threatened him once again.

Spooky noticed that Tyler picked at his own food too, watching Spooky with a worried expression. He felt bad for making the other worry like that.

Tyler looked down at his food again, before speaking. “You’ll tell me if something’s really wrong, right?”

Spooky paused. He wasn’t exactly sure if he  _ could  _ be honest. He didn’t want Tyler to know he wasn’t Josh, that he’d let Josh’s body get soiled. He also was trying to be careful about Aston, so Tyler didn’t learn about the system. This all was a mess with too many people’s rules guiding him, and then his own feelings.

He was worried Tyler would be mad at him.

All day, that was his worry, that Tyler would be angry with him.

Spooky was a protector, he’d promised to keep them safe- he’d promised a  _ lot  _ of things.

And then as soon as he was in control, he was used, beaten, and treated like he was subhuman, next to nothing.

No, like he  _ was  _ nothing.

Spooky couldn’t breathe.

The world was crashing down on him, crushing his windpipe and setting his soul on  _ fire _ . Everything was going dark, and there were- were hands on him-

Spooky jolted, and quickly realized that other than the jolt from Tyler’s hands suddenly coming into contact with his, Spooky hadn’t actually caused a scene.

Tyler was holding his hand, and his expression was so worried that Spooky’s chest ached.

“H-Huh…?”

“I asked if you would tell me if something was really wrong, then you stared at your plate and stopped breathing or responding… I was really worried…”

Spooky looked away in embarrassment, cheeks flushing. Wow.

This was embarrassing. 

Spooky deserved when he got hurt, it was his punishment for not helping sooner- but how could he help without disappointing Tyler and ruining Josh’s life more now?

“Sorry, I guess I zoned out a bit.” Spooky finally choked out.

“A bit.”

Spooky looked up at Tyler, before back down. “... Would you be mad at someone if they let me get hurt?”

Tyler’s eyes widened, and he looked horrified. “What-? Of course I would be- what happened?!”

Spooky flinched violently. “No, no, I just- It was just- It was just a question, nothing happened-”

Oh god, he really would. Tyler was already looking like he was going to get angry- Spooky wanted to keep himself from panicking but he couldn’t, bursting into tears.

Tyler’s anger disappeared, and instead he was just worried.

Spooky cried harder, burying his face into Tyler’s chest and shaking violently, not even caring that he was making a scene in the middle of a restaurant. 

He wanted to scream.

When Spooky finally cried himself out, Tyler held his hand. Spooky leaned his face onto Tyler’s shoulder, shuffling after the singer as he was led outside and to the car.

He was exhausted, and half asleep after the soothing car ride, feeling Tyler’s hand rub against his shoulder in a soothing way.

Tyler wasn’t prying, just comforting Spooky. It was wonderful.

Spooky felt like he was starting to feel better.

Spooky happily helped Tyler bring in all of Josh’s stuff, shyly looking over at Tyler.

Tyler was so pretty…

“Josh?”

Oh. Right.

Spooky winced, feeling like Tyler had just stabbed him in the chest. He cocked his head a bit at Tyler, not really trusting his voice.

“Movie time?”

Spooky nodded, moving to go sit on the couch and let Tyler set up a movie.

Spooky wanted to lean on Tyler, cuddle with Tyler, be held by Tyler- but he couldn’t let it happen. He made sure they didn’t touch as he watched the movie, shuddering a bit.

Tyler really would hate him, then. Tyler would hate him, hate him for hurting Josh, hate him for keeping this a secret still when he could just blurt it out, tell Tyler that Josh was being hurt, tell him, tell him,  **_tell him you useless piece of shit!_ **

Spooky pulled out his phone, swiping away notifications from Aston and shaking his head. No, he was doing horribly without the disgusting man, thanks.

It was getting late, and it would be dark out by the time they finished the first movie and rolled into the second, so Spooky settled and let the movies play. He couldn’t concentrate well though, and something in him felt relieved when Tyler fell asleep halfway into the second movie.

Another part realized he was alone, and sad, and it was dark.

Spooky pulled his knees to his chest, staring at the screen blankly as a movie played, nothing being taken in. Instead, he tried to contact anyone else in his system.

_ Josh?! Lane Boy?! Judge!! Misty?!! _

_ Please don’t leave me alone. Please. _

If this was what being a singlet was, Spooky was very glad Josh wasn’t.

He shuddered, slowly pulling himself to his feet and moving to go to the bathroom.

He needed to wash his face, maybe see if that would wake something up and make it easier to think.

He quietly shut and locked the bathroom door behind him, before stopping cold at the mirror.

Spooky’s insides twisted as he looked at the image in the mirror. It looked…

Spooky thought Josh looked sick. Exhausted, pale, and absolutely  _ sick _ .

Josh was trembling, and when Spooky threw off his shirt and pants, Josh looked bruised. Josh looked broken.

Spooky had  _ ruined  _ Josh’s body.

Spooky gave a little gasp, realizing he couldn’t breathe. With no Tyler to help him, there was only one thing he knew that could help.

Spooky dove for Josh’s basket of bathroom things, shoving soaps and deodorant away. Not the toothbrush, not the lotion! None of this was what he needed!

He finally wrapped Josh’s hand around Josh’s razor, giving a gasp for air. He broke the plastic apart, Josh’s trembling hands fishing for a blade from the confines.

Josh’s hands shook so bad it was hard to do anything, but they finally slashed into Spooky’s wrist.

Spooky’s wrist.

Spooky could breathe again, sitting huddled on the floor of the cold bathroom, alone, naked, and bleeding. Spooky cut into Spooky’s arms more.

Spooky’s arms were bleeding.

Spooky was pale.

Spooky was bruised.

Spooky was traumatized.

A deep breath finally filled Spooky’s lungs as he dropped the blade to the floor, shuddering and shaking. His eyes shut. Okay, Spooky was Spooky, and Spooky was sick.

Maybe Spooky was subhuman. Maybe Spooky was worth less than everyone like Tyler and Aston.

But Spooky was real, alive, and hurt.

It took what felt like hours for him to finally realize what had happened.

A whine escaped him, eyes squeezing shut. Josh was going to wake up in the morning and see what Jim did. He was going to go to therapy, and his therapists were going to ruin all progress they made. 

What if the therapist was awful again, and made Josh feel bad? Or the medicine made Josh sick again?

Spooky whimpered, hunching in on himself. And it would be Spooky’s fault all over again.

He slowly moved to start cleaning himself up, and using the bandages from Josh’s bathroom basket.

Spooky carefully tip toed out of the bathroom when he was done, looking over at Tyler.

Tyler was asleep, good.

Spooky slowly crawled into the spot next to Tyler, before carefully moving to lay sight next to him, curling up against Tyler.

Tyler’s arms wrapped around Spooky, and the broken man tried not to cry.

“You okay?” Tyler asked, voice filled with sleep.

Spooky sniffed. “Exhausted.” He whispered back.

Tyler nuzzled the back of Spooky’s neck, and he shivered as the cold nose against his curls.

“Goodnight, Joshie…”

That night, Spooky had a nightmare about Tyler hitting him, hurting him,  _ hating his guts _ .

At some point, Spooky slipped away from Tyler and laid in a broken heap on the other couch.

Spooky didn’t feel rested at all the next morning.

And he was  _ still in control _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY this was so long, sorry about that. Um next chapter, I was thinking about skipping the flashback, and doing something different. So finally a bigger divergence than the last version haha


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